for years we'd been over it and over it. the abandonment the betrayal. the relatives the coaches the peers the feet the fists the spit the punches and the kicks. the graffiti the notes the winks the uncles the aunts the abandonment the betrayal and the violence. we'd been over the loss the drugs the alcohol the loneliness the dissociation the hallucinations the imaginary beasts the fractured visions the seizures and the abandonment and the betrayal and it seemed as always i was doomed to repeat the trauma. i said one day on the couch staring at the ceiling while secretly counting the specks and tiles again: goddamnit. i've had enough. i can't do it anymore. i can't come in anymore man. why? why do we have to keep going over it? we've wrung it dry. how many times? these are ghosts. demons. no one said it was going to be easy. otherwise everyone would do it and no one would be unhappy. you must find something. not a way out but a way through it. tell everyone you know if they don't like it to get off the boat. you don't need them on board if they can't handle it. now find something to help funnel all of this. something that's there when i'm not. twice a week for an hour i'm here. the rest of the time you're on your own. i said i don't know. i don't know man. it was the iron but it started off with myself. body weight. 120 pounds i had to manipulate. 71 reminded me that i needed to add not subtract but i had to forget that temporarily to clean out the system. to know the system and prepare for addition which unlike elementary school is harder to learn than subtraction. that meant starvation. caffeine. macrobiotic diet. running. sweating. jumping jacks and the removal of the infant body. i weighed 112 pounds in september 2005. i sold 700 books. i threw out bags and bags of trash. i cleaned starved and removed most everything. 71 said you must add now. you must add instead of subtracting. and i did.
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