Bondage and Butterflies
By Lee Padgett
Divorce sucks. High heals suck. Getting old sucks. Love sucks, but sometimes that kind of sucking is a good thing. For Angela most things suck, or they seem to suck for her. Her Facebook status is full of how bad things are. She has a brain fever one week. Her daughter gets cut taking out the garbage. Her first husband turned out to be gay. She falls in high heals and rips every ligament in her body. She looks good though and everyone can see that she needs attention. She and her second husband are ending their 10 year marriage, because, according to her, he is too negative. OK. She started dating a guy that everyone calls Zah Zah. What kind of name is that? It sounds like candy. Maybe he is candy. This could be good, right? I decide to ask her if he is sweet. She tells me that he is wonderful. That he treats her so great and the lovemaking is wonderful (think sing song voice here). He owns a porn shop and buys her the greatest outfits! Wait. Porn shop? Outfits? Who is this Zah Zah guy? Turns out, he really owns a porn shop. He dresses her up like a schoolgirl and they had mad sex. Mad? She will tell me later what she means by "mad". The kid is in the next room. I don't think I want to know.
I have known this lady a long time. When she was definitely not a lady. I have seen her through fat clothes and skinny clothes. I know her biggest fear. No one knows mine, not even me. Hers is a doozy. She is scared of butterflies. Angela was locked outside during a monarch swarm! It was terrifying for her. I try to sympathize; I really do, but swarming butterflies! I think I would strip and let their delicate wings kiss me all over! Not Angela, no way. She swears they were trying to suck out her brains. I keep trying to imagine little zombie butterflies. It is tough. No sympathy.
Angela calls just as I am ready to start the going to bed process. As I get older, that process gets longer and more expensive. She calls to talk about the love of her life. The man who we all have to accept, because he is her soul mate. She has his rib. He is the one. I figure the sex must be pretty good, so I decide to get a glass a wine and turn on a porno, from Zah Zah's. I may as well have some visuals. She goes on and on about how he let her wear his dead mother's fur to a big fancy event. Small business owners go to these kinds of things she says. It is for charity and he has to make his appearances for his charity blah blah. He owns a porn store! He is not a florist. Then she starts talking about the sex. Now I am engaged again. New relationship sex is fantastic, right? He likes to bind her up. And then what. Well, he is allergic to Viagra. So what? He licks her ear with biggest tongue! Oh. And he is the one? The porn shop owner who can't get it up? That is ironic. Major irony. Didn't she say the sex was MAD? Why because she is pissed that there is no sex? There used to be sex, but now he is impotent. How long have you guys been doing this? 6 weeks. He just became impotent? And he is allergic to Viagra. Why is he binding you up? It is just who he is and he likes it. Don't you feel like a caterpillar? All-snug in your cocoon, ready to be a butterfly? There I said it. Butterfly!
The conversation ended with some yelling and name-calling. I was done with this whole thing! I had to get back to the porno; there was a lady on the screen with a butterfly tattoo on her ass. Her FB status was about jealous people who just wanted to hurt her. He is not allergic to Viagra, there are no zombie butterflies, and life is pretty good if you just look up instead of down. He is fucking someone else. Really this is just going to drive me insane.
Life goes by with out a hitch for a while and I see Angela out on the town one night. It was awkward, but I walked over and said hello. She was a little glossy eyed; I figured it was the pitcher of margaritas that was empty in front of her. I did the I'm sorry thing and mumbled something. She acted like I was high. Don't you remember our last conversation? She was clueless. She took me over to meet Zah Zah. Oh, yes, hello. I am a patron of your store. Nice selection of lesbian pirates. He asked if I liked the bondage section. Pardon? I am not really a bondage type person. I don't need to be put in a cocoon to get off. He liked that. I looked over and Angela was dipping her long curly tongue into a potted plant. Whoa. What was in that last drink? You OK girl?
Zah Zah takes me by the arm and leads me outside to the tiki porch. His facial features look less human, than they did in the bar. His jacket seems to have some orange in it that I didn't pick up before. He says that Angela is fine. She is pregnant, that is all. Oh. Pregnancy makes you have a long, curly BUTTERFLY tongue to suck up dirt? What the fuck? It was the swarm. The swarm really happened. Is he a butterfly? A six-foot tall, blonde, porn store owning butterflies? Why don't we sit down over by those flowers? Angela is on her way out. It is time to give birth! She came out. Her eyes looked like liquid. She didn't look at me. Zah Zah's coat unfolded into huge wings! Very impressive. Could I fly him like Pegasus? Who are all these, well, not people, but aliens maybe? Yes, Zah Zah says, we are aliens. They picked Angela out one hot day. They were all particularly horny and they noticed this young girl all alone and looking a bit down. They decided to try and brighten her day with a little alien, butterfly sex. They were pretty new to Earth and needed a little strange. She thought they were sucking her brains, but they were really fucking her brains out. This should have just been a good time, a one-time thing, no one would get hurt. But, as luck would have it, no one had a good condom and Zah Zah cracked a nut in Angela's head. All those negative thoughts she has had all these years, all those bad things that people said were all in her head, really they were all in her head. Zah Zah's alien babies were feasting on her from the inside out. Alien, butterfly babies take a long time to hatch, so Zah Zah set up shop in this little town to be a good Dad for his kids. He was going to be there for the birth and raise those kids up right! Besides, making money off humans was pretty easy. Porn sells. He had watched Angela for years. And now the day had arrived for the bouncing baby butterflies to emerge from their brainy goo. For that was all that was left. Just goo and babies. Angela was just a shell. She made an awesome Mom! She gave it all up for her 250k kids. How many? Do I want to see this? How do they get out? Same way they got in, like human babies? Nope. Eye balls. They come out through the eyes. I think I may be sick. Zah Zah really wanted me to stay. Then he started to tell me what nice, soft ears I have.
I have known this lady a long time. When she was definitely not a lady. I have seen her through fat clothes and skinny clothes. I know her biggest fear. No one knows mine, not even me. Hers is a doozy. She is scared of butterflies. Angela was locked outside during a monarch swarm! It was terrifying for her. I try to sympathize; I really do, but swarming butterflies! I think I would strip and let their delicate wings kiss me all over! Not Angela, no way. She swears they were trying to suck out her brains. I keep trying to imagine little zombie butterflies. It is tough. No sympathy.
Angela calls just as I am ready to start the going to bed process. As I get older, that process gets longer and more expensive. She calls to talk about the love of her life. The man who we all have to accept, because he is her soul mate. She has his rib. He is the one. I figure the sex must be pretty good, so I decide to get a glass a wine and turn on a porno, from Zah Zah's. I may as well have some visuals. She goes on and on about how he let her wear his dead mother's fur to a big fancy event. Small business owners go to these kinds of things she says. It is for charity and he has to make his appearances for his charity blah blah. He owns a porn store! He is not a florist. Then she starts talking about the sex. Now I am engaged again. New relationship sex is fantastic, right? He likes to bind her up. And then what. Well, he is allergic to Viagra. So what? He licks her ear with biggest tongue! Oh. And he is the one? The porn shop owner who can't get it up? That is ironic. Major irony. Didn't she say the sex was MAD? Why because she is pissed that there is no sex? There used to be sex, but now he is impotent. How long have you guys been doing this? 6 weeks. He just became impotent? And he is allergic to Viagra. Why is he binding you up? It is just who he is and he likes it. Don't you feel like a caterpillar? All-snug in your cocoon, ready to be a butterfly? There I said it. Butterfly!
The conversation ended with some yelling and name-calling. I was done with this whole thing! I had to get back to the porno; there was a lady on the screen with a butterfly tattoo on her ass. Her FB status was about jealous people who just wanted to hurt her. He is not allergic to Viagra, there are no zombie butterflies, and life is pretty good if you just look up instead of down. He is fucking someone else. Really this is just going to drive me insane.
Life goes by with out a hitch for a while and I see Angela out on the town one night. It was awkward, but I walked over and said hello. She was a little glossy eyed; I figured it was the pitcher of margaritas that was empty in front of her. I did the I'm sorry thing and mumbled something. She acted like I was high. Don't you remember our last conversation? She was clueless. She took me over to meet Zah Zah. Oh, yes, hello. I am a patron of your store. Nice selection of lesbian pirates. He asked if I liked the bondage section. Pardon? I am not really a bondage type person. I don't need to be put in a cocoon to get off. He liked that. I looked over and Angela was dipping her long curly tongue into a potted plant. Whoa. What was in that last drink? You OK girl?
Zah Zah takes me by the arm and leads me outside to the tiki porch. His facial features look less human, than they did in the bar. His jacket seems to have some orange in it that I didn't pick up before. He says that Angela is fine. She is pregnant, that is all. Oh. Pregnancy makes you have a long, curly BUTTERFLY tongue to suck up dirt? What the fuck? It was the swarm. The swarm really happened. Is he a butterfly? A six-foot tall, blonde, porn store owning butterflies? Why don't we sit down over by those flowers? Angela is on her way out. It is time to give birth! She came out. Her eyes looked like liquid. She didn't look at me. Zah Zah's coat unfolded into huge wings! Very impressive. Could I fly him like Pegasus? Who are all these, well, not people, but aliens maybe? Yes, Zah Zah says, we are aliens. They picked Angela out one hot day. They were all particularly horny and they noticed this young girl all alone and looking a bit down. They decided to try and brighten her day with a little alien, butterfly sex. They were pretty new to Earth and needed a little strange. She thought they were sucking her brains, but they were really fucking her brains out. This should have just been a good time, a one-time thing, no one would get hurt. But, as luck would have it, no one had a good condom and Zah Zah cracked a nut in Angela's head. All those negative thoughts she has had all these years, all those bad things that people said were all in her head, really they were all in her head. Zah Zah's alien babies were feasting on her from the inside out. Alien, butterfly babies take a long time to hatch, so Zah Zah set up shop in this little town to be a good Dad for his kids. He was going to be there for the birth and raise those kids up right! Besides, making money off humans was pretty easy. Porn sells. He had watched Angela for years. And now the day had arrived for the bouncing baby butterflies to emerge from their brainy goo. For that was all that was left. Just goo and babies. Angela was just a shell. She made an awesome Mom! She gave it all up for her 250k kids. How many? Do I want to see this? How do they get out? Same way they got in, like human babies? Nope. Eye balls. They come out through the eyes. I think I may be sick. Zah Zah really wanted me to stay. Then he started to tell me what nice, soft ears I have.
